Simplified School Subjects

In the spring of 2015,  I was a panicked eighth grader with no direction in life. Physical science had confused the heck out of me, so was I ready for more advanced sciences? English class had become a faint ringing in my left ear-- was I going to be able to survive high school English? History surprised me and demonstrated itself as fun and interesting, but would that stay the same in the notorious high school? Then the deep part of my brain came around. What are life skills that I need? How do I develop them? What if I fail life? Scheduling always brings an aura of confusion and questioning with it, so I’ve organized a comprehensive list of simplified high school courses to ease the stress.

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ALGEBRA: Trigonometric rationalized functions regarding parabolas and the derivative of the radical third of the eighth sector length of Euler’s number.

ANATOMY: Study guts.

ART: For the people who can draw a water bottle without making it look like an elongated pear.

ASTRONOMY: Learning stuff about the universe. Very important class to be able to predict when a thing will hit the earth and when the world will end.

BAND: A lot of shiny things getting spit and breath and sometimes there is a squeak.

BIOLOGY: What goes on inside of guts.

CALCULUS: When I see people crying, most of the time it is caused by calculus.

CHEMISTRY: Explosions happen if you do stuff wrong and glass beakers. Something about moles, too-- chemistry does involve animals!

CHOIR: They make you feel really bad about your shower singing. Guess that’s why you only sing in your private shower.

COMEDY: SEE ORCHESTRA.

COMPUTER SCIENCE: Learning how to code so you can hack into other people’s email accounts and find out whether or not they forward chain mail.

ECONOMICS: Math related class dedicated to singing “ECON, ECON, GONNA TELL YOU ABOUT ECON, ECON” every day.

ENGLISH: Essay writing every single day about, like, why the curtains are blue. Say goodbye to your GPA!

ENVIRONMENTAL SCIENCE: Environment stuff, I guess. I mean, I’ve never taken the class, but “environment stuff” seems like a good bet.

GEOGRAPHY: Impressive skill for people who find naming a lot of countries impressive.

GEOMETRY: Protractors and “squares are not rectangles and vice versa” theory, I think.

HEALTH: Not for the light-hearted, especially during the you-know-what-I’m-talking-about unit. The only class where talking about the you-know-what-I’m-talking-about body parts are allowed. Super relatable class.

JOURNALISM: Makes the school newspaper. It’s really obvious when there’s been a slow news day.

LUNCH: The only class that’s not a class but should be a class. Most people tend to eat during this time period, but a select few will eat then complain of hunger after this time period.

MANDARIN: Good class for students who like to doodle and to sound angry whenever they speak.

ORCHESTRA: SEE COMEDY. Most people join to whack other people on the head with their bows.

PHYSICAL EDUCATION: Makes people stinky and really competitive. Kind of dangerous too. I would be careful, especially during dodgeball.

PHYSICS: Probably the only class that you will cry more about than calculus because it is calculus-based. Hooray.

PRE-CALCULUS: The precursor to calculus. Makes you cry, but less than calculus.

PSYCHOLOGY: Studying brains so you can brainwash people like that guy in Phineas and Ferb.

SPANISH: Kind of confusing because, like, I don’t even know how to speak English.

STATISTICS: Calculating probabilities of outcomes because you can’t make the jump without knowing whether or not it is a 35.245% chance of failure. Common terms include: “#1 missed question on the SAT” and “Can I get a new test? Because mine is soaked in tears.”.

Very many important things happen in a year’s time. I became less stressed, more organized, and more focused. I also developed a comprehensive understanding of my school’s course catalog through my comprehensive list of simplified school subjects.

After all, these are essential life skills.